Where to begin....
(I know! Make sure you leave comments.... It's anonymous so I wont ever know who you are. Just don't type anything that would make it obvious who you are if you don't want me to know lol. But I would love to have a few responses to read now and then.)
THE BEGINNING
It's been such a long time since I've written anything of meaning...anything worth sharing, and I wonder if i still have the capacity to...
Why am I writing this? I'm not sure exactly... there's something going on, and I can't quite put my finger on it... It's my hope that by detailing my inner thoughts and the events of my life, that I will find the answer to my unasked question.
But... Before I begin, I shall go upstairs, get a 2 liter of soda then take a leak. (wow... debating if i should delete that but whatever. At least I'm being honest...ok... brb I really gotta pee lol)
Ok im back... decided to grab the tequila bottle while i was upstairs as well. tequila and coke is slightly comforting right now, though the taste is vaguely like eating wet cigarette butts(I kid you not....)
So... where was I? lol nowhere really... all theses words and I haven't really said anything...very well the glass is empty now, so I don't have an excuse to not type...
What's on my mind.
So I've come to learn that no matter how much you are in love, it is tremendously easy to let that consuming emotion ease out of your body. I do admit, it's incredibly tough at first. The consternation, the betrayal, the lies, the drama all surmount to a great heaping ball of emotional energy. It's like a terrible climax of negative energy that leaves you feeling vindicated, relieved, and yet sick and suddenly destroyed.
I'll admit for many nights, I've lay in my bed and with my eyes closed pictured the person who once was there. It's not like I couldn't replace them with someone else... that has happened far too many times already since we split. But even now, I've come to realize you can replace the flesh but never the spirit...
Turn off all the lights, and just lay there breathing, listening to her ghostly breath that wasn't actually there. A spirit that is deeply rooted with another cannot be shaken very easily. So I lay there, listening, smelling, remembering, my throat constricting, my heart beating, my skin tense. I would think about all of the good moments, and all of the bad moments, then times when i KNEW i was right and the times that I learned I was wrong.
But that was then...I admit, I will never shake this one...at least not completely. So for her, She's lucky. She shook it a long time ago. And no I don't want to argue the point. Sides are sides for a reason. There are many distractions in life, and between the myriad pleasures of alcohol, hanging out with loc and Issac, the occasional yet vigorous and rewarding sexual encounters (Stephanie you haven't heard my latest Sexpisodes have you? Maybe I'll share one here tomorrow. ) I have been doing a good job of approaching things with a fresh start and perspective.
A harrowing lyric that's been creeping through my train of thought every day.
The way I see it, we had what we wanted, but In a way we both destroyed it, and now we are finding ways to be ok with it. This is the story of two people who fall apart, and never find their way back...
So press Play, and read along...
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She said I wonder when
It'll be my day
Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
And all I've got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I wondered if I'll always feel this way, this way
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
baby , you could never love you like me
And one day this will Fade Away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
One day you're gonna see things my way
You gave me so much room that I can'y breathe
All I've got is pictures of you
I was nothing before and I started with you
But for some reason, it's supposed to be that way, that way
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
baby, you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
If I could shrink it down
And put it in your hands
We made it hurt so much
I can't forget the past
Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I could forgive you
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
Baby, you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
just wait for the song to finish... soak it in....
I'm Fucking tired of people not knowing how much life can hurt and trying to make one person out to be the bad guy/girl. Fuck off go live your own life. Just let it fade away and things will be fine. I AM a person, and us guys, we do feel... WAY more than we let on because sometimes we don't know how to...but we do.
But Today is a new day, and like I have been doing, as I hum this song to myself, I encourage you to look yourself in the mirror and see the souls that are chained to you in some way or another. And when you greet people through the day...do as you must.... Go on....
SMILE
Because all of us are hurting on the inside....
No matter how happy we are.
Good night.
It'll be my day
Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
And all I've got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I wondered if I'll always feel this way, this way
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
baby , you could never love you like me
And one day this will Fade Away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
One day you're gonna see things my way
You gave me so much room that I can'y breathe
All I've got is pictures of you
I was nothing before and I started with you
But for some reason, it's supposed to be that way, that way
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
baby, you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
If I could shrink it down
And put it in your hands
We made it hurt so much
I can't forget the past
Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I could forgive you
Tell me about those nights you stay awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you, you took the long way home
Baby, you could never love you like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror, you'll see your smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, be me
just wait for the song to finish... soak it in....
I'm Fucking tired of people not knowing how much life can hurt and trying to make one person out to be the bad guy/girl. Fuck off go live your own life. Just let it fade away and things will be fine. I AM a person, and us guys, we do feel... WAY more than we let on because sometimes we don't know how to...but we do.
But Today is a new day, and like I have been doing, as I hum this song to myself, I encourage you to look yourself in the mirror and see the souls that are chained to you in some way or another. And when you greet people through the day...do as you must.... Go on....
SMILE
Because all of us are hurting on the inside....
No matter how happy we are.
Good night.
3 comments:
Wow... I missed your words of insight and great thought... Welcome back writer Nick =] .....
Whomever you may be. I thank you for your appreciation. I'm glad to hear that my words bring something to your life, no matter how small it may be.
NIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!! are you still there? hehehe
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