Breaking Down The Moments

Fresh new paint put in today. Can't wait till we can finally settle into our office space. It's not the most extravagant space, but It's gonna be awesome anyhow.

yeah... i keep getting up i don't know why. It's like I keep dreaming... Ok off to try to sleep some more. Gotta stop talking to people....

Hrmm.... so it's been a while since I've sat down to write one of these posts? Why? a mix of many things. Going back to running my own business has given me a lot of freedoms recently. I don't have to get up until I feel Like it. I get cool shit like the tickets to the Seahawks game. (did you see how close I was?) I get to meet a lot of cool people, and I get to dust off my business attire. People have begun to take me seriously again, and I think all the corruptedness of giving in to anothers whims is out of my system.
Apparently, I got rather drunk the other night and while me and loc were in the car, spilled the beans about a lot of stuff about how I felt about everything that went on in my relationship, how things at one point were perfect. Had the perfect job (haha i made more than your dad does. Well most of you anyhow. I had a good car, and a good girlfriend. ) Oh how these things can suddenly turn to dust in the blink of an eye.
Those of you who know me, know that I'm not one to cry, and thankfully I was drunk beyond belief, so I don't remember, but loc says that I was ballin my eyes out for a good 30 minutes. Go figure huh? Well, maybe all that crying did me some good.
I admit that some days I get in little bouts of depression, but right now, I couldn't be happier. Nothing is an illusion right now, and I am sure of everything that is going on. I know where my work stands, I know who my real friends are and who aren't. You think I Don't know who you are... sometimes the users are actually being used...
Hrmm... what else?
I've been going to a lot of new places recently....

There is a Thai Place in Ballard that serves an interesting drink.... It has some root from africa in it and is a mild hallucinogen. You are only allowed to be served one of them... Wow! That is all I can say about that!!!!!!!

I've been going out to eat way too much and should probably be doing more cooking, but I haven't been caring.
PS don't order hella 555 pizza or they will cancel it. I've been ordering 555 consistantly like every other day so that there is a pile of pizza boxes in my room lol. I called today to get some but they said they no longer serve that at the dominos. Luckily the pizza hut on 143 doesn't know of my pizza addiction yet so I ventured to try them tonight and it was ok. Not as many slices but seems to be better quality... maybe its just because I have eaten a lot of dominos recently.

So I haven't been sleeping in my bed lately. Think of you too much. I've been taking my blankets and making a pallette on the floor. I don't know why, but It still manages to be comfortable.

Where are my words of wisdom at the moment? Maybe I have none right now... besides im thirsty... brb....

Ok I'm back. So I have noticed over the past month that a LOT of people come to my page on myspace and don't say anything... wierd huh? It's like people just want to know what I'm up to.... I hope that I entertain some of you...

Oh and Betty, in regards to Melody? Well lets just say, she is a love affair that I've had for a long time... It's nothing bad, and many people wouldn't understand... maybe I do the things that I do so that I can go back to her each time. Even though in the end I leave her to be forgotten until I need her again, and ultimately I never finish what I start with her. She Is good company though. I'm sure she will be around till I die. Sometimes I wish I could be rid of her, but hey.... It is what it is... and It is what we make of it.

Lastly, I read a remarkable story today called Griffine and Sabine And extraodrinary Correspondence.. It was amazing. A love story, A tryst, A superb yet disturbin amalgamation of lies and the truth, with such a haunting ending. i LOVED it.

Hrmm. It just dawned on me... I wonder if suie realized we called it quits for good the same month Eevie born.... nov 29th - aug 29th... I feel like shit now... I picked a great time to fucking say maybe we shouldn't see eachother anymore.. I'm sorry. damn... truly I am.....

No wonder we were both having such a bad month....

ok no more for the night.. I think I need a drink now..

What's a man to do... This song gripped me suddenly while I was at the mall picking up a few new pairs of Don Ed Hardy's. It's interesting how no matter where I go, even the smallest things can catch a hold of me and allow me take pleasure in something so sad---something so true. I've taken the liberty to take creative license with the lyrics so read along as usual....
Listen

Hi cutie pie,

How is my little one doing? I thought about you today. I got mad and hurt eeyore a while back but i fixed him... and now he has no more owies... so he sat with me today while daddy did his work. He misses you. So does pincher. Me and mommy were fighting, and she gave him to kelly. Kelly calls him Reno now... I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it...
Did you learn anything today? I'm learning a lot of new things.
I really don't know what to say to you... I'm going to have to live my entire life before I get to hear what you sound like. What you look like...I bet you would have grown to be very pretty.
Well at least I have a reason to believe in heaven now...
I hope that you can come and visit me sometime while im dreaming. I wait for you, but you never come... I know, nothing really comes anyhow... its not your fault.
ok little one... I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I was thinking of you... maybe we can go to the park tommorow and have a walk together... hopefully the weather is nice. maybe you can bring me some sunshine?

So This week I've Decided that I will be returning to focusing on my sorely neglected company. Over the past two years, I had let it slip down into a mere skeletal frame or little to no worth. My client base evaporated, my employees all disbanded, I lost my offices in both Bellevue and Seattle.

Over the past three days, I've gained Three clients, totaling to about $6,500 in work. Makes me wonder what the fuck I was thinking ignoring my business like that. So Today I'm returning to what made me happy, what made me work harder and push, and carry a laptop with me 24/7, the suits and ties, the 3 cell phones, the constant emails, IM sessions, the you don't win you don't eat attitude.

Where to begin....
(I know! Make sure you leave comments.... It's anonymous so I wont ever know who you are. Just don't type anything that would make it obvious who you are if you don't want me to know lol. But I would love to have a few responses to read now and then.)

It's been such a long time since I've written anything of meaning...anything worth sharing, and I wonder if i still have the capacity to...

Why am I writing this? I'm not sure exactly... there's something going on, and I can't quite put my finger on it... It's my hope that by detailing my inner thoughts and the events of my life, that I will find the answer to my unasked question.

But... Before I begin, I shall go upstairs, get a 2 liter of soda then take a leak. (wow... debating if i should delete that but whatever. At least I'm being honest...ok... brb I really gotta pee lol)

Ok im back... decided to grab the tequila bottle while i was upstairs as well. tequila and coke is slightly comforting right now, though the taste is vaguely like eating wet cigarette butts(I kid you not....)

So... where was I? lol nowhere really... all theses words and I haven't really said anything...very well the glass is empty now, so I don't have an excuse to not type...

What's on my mind.

So I've come to learn that no matter how much you are in love, it is tremendously easy to let that consuming emotion ease out of your body. I do admit, it's incredibly tough at first. The consternation, the betrayal, the lies, the drama all surmount to a great heaping ball of emotional energy. It's like a terrible climax of negative energy that leaves you feeling vindicated, relieved, and yet sick and suddenly destroyed.

I'll admit for many nights, I've lay in my bed and with my eyes closed pictured the person who once was there. It's not like I couldn't replace them with someone else... that has happened far too many times already since we split. But even now, I've come to realize you can replace the flesh but never the spirit...

Turn off all the lights, and just lay there breathing, listening to her ghostly breath that wasn't actually there. A spirit that is deeply rooted with another cannot be shaken very easily. So I lay there, listening, smelling, remembering, my throat constricting, my heart beating, my skin tense. I would think about all of the good moments, and all of the bad moments, then times when i KNEW i was right and the times that I learned I was wrong.

But that was then...I admit, I will never shake this one...at least not completely. So for her, She's lucky. She shook it a long time ago. And no I don't want to argue the point. Sides are sides for a reason. There are many distractions in life, and between the myriad pleasures of alcohol, hanging out with loc and Issac, the occasional yet vigorous and rewarding sexual encounters (Stephanie you haven't heard my latest Sexpisodes have you? Maybe I'll share one here tomorrow. ) I have been doing a good job of approaching things with a fresh start and perspective.